When is quttin time?

Money has been pretty tight lately. It’s been hard to explain to my boyfriend why. He’s been in a better state of mind lately and I don’t want to ruin that. Its been wonderful. He’s been way more loving, caring, expressive with his emotions, wanting to sexually please me. However he doesn’t understand and has no real concept of saving and fully paying bills. I’m not trying to be mean, I really really so love him. It just sucks having to be the one to make all the financially responsible decisions for us. He is under the impression that moneyy is easy to make. It isn’t. I have to work an hour of my time to make 10 dollars. It takes me a week to earn 200 dollars. He does his job and earns 200+ in six hours doing hardly muchh work. Im not trying to be a bitch and I am very happy how he has been happier.

I’ll be there

You don’t know love until you find someone willing to put themselves at risk and in pain, for the betterment and protection of yourself. My boyfriend loves me more than anything. Now I know a lot of people say that, but I mean it. He does. For him to not only deal with my Paranoia but try and help me resolve, is just more than I could ask for. He wants me to tell him when and what the paranoid thoughts are, so that I can deal with them.

Lately I have been attacking myself a lot, mainly about my appearance. I have convinced myself that I am ugly. I’ll stare in the mirror for an hour at a time, and nitpick all the things I hate about myself. It’s so bad. I didn’t even realize I did it. He pointed out the fact that my body and appearance has become my obsession. It’s all I think about from the time I wake up, till the time I fall asleep. “Why does it matter so much to you?” Is something he asked me. At first I was extremely offended. I thought that meant I was ugly and to just accept it. That isn’t what he meant though. He followed with the usual you are beautiful.  It’s caused me to think a lot, why does it matter? Why does it matter so fucking much to me what I look like? That’s not to say I shouldn’t care about my appearance somewhat, but I shouldn’t base my whole identity on it. Sadly I do. All I consider myself is a pretty face, and if I don’t have that then I am nothing. I’m finally understanding what it’s like to be normal, and to accept how you look.

Stronger than yesterday.

Yesterday ending up being a very stressful day. My future brother in law drives like a maniac, no joke. He could have easily flipped the truck when he decided to go 80 through an intersection. I appreciate him always helping us out, but it’s scary as shit and sometimes I’d rather walk. We went to my fiance’s grandmas to watch Vikings. We both felt so unwelcome, and I had no clue why. I love the woman to pieces, she is a really very nice person. However sometimes she can be a negative nancy and really just bring the mood down.

My boyfriend and I were fighting due to all the stress. I can’t help it, I try my best to be sweet and loving whenever I come home, but it can be really hard when your boss teases you all day long. I did fairly well with my paranoia though. I had one lapse moment, but I didn’t let it ruin my day or last very long. I’ll try harder today, because that is the only way I am going to get past this. I can’t let it take over me.

Another day stronger

Though yesterday was a testament to my commitment to my new way of life, I think today will be a much more difficult day. The initial energy of the idea has worn off and the little paranoid monsters are pulling me in all the wrong directions. However I am staying strong, and am not falling victim to them.  I took a deep breath an hour ago, and pushed away the computer from for a minute because I almost gave in. I didn’t give in though. I breathed in, pulled the computer back and did my work like I was supposed to do.

I can’t tell you how amazing it feels to reject something that seems almost second nature, or correct in your head. It feels like I have control over what is happening. And having control over your own life is something everyone desires.. right?

I’ve let it become a part of me

Paranoia is a nasty thing. It creeps up on you at the worst of times, and causes you to react and say things that never really would or could happen. It becomes part of your daily routine, to freak out and hypothesize on the what ifs and buts of the world. Paranoia becomes your reality. It has become my reality. I’ve let something so nasty into my home, and become a part of me. It’s grown inside of me, like a second pair of lungs, spreading its disease through my body. No longer will it allow me to take a compliment or listen to a story without first consulting my paranoia to learn what was truly said. Today is different. Today I take a stand against it. No longer will I allow this leach to control my life. Today I choose to ignore it.

Over myself.

I went ahead and did what I said I wasn’t going to do anymore. I was stubborn and wrong to say that I am not going to talk anymore about what is bothering me. Bottling up what is hurting me is only hurting myself; the person the target of emotion will never know and can go about there life happily. I don’t want to be a negative and mean person, that’s just not who I am or how I was raised. So I confronted the different people in my life that had hurt me, and I told them exactly how I felt. Nothing has ever felt so good, I made some realizations about myself and the person/people whom I talked to.

I understand now the phrase: Forgive someone not for them but for yourself. It really does work. Forgiving someone for yourself helps you to feel better and let go of the hurt. I had bad dream last night, about my boyfriend. Instead of waking up angry and accusing of him as one might, I let it go. I told someone about it, and let it go. It was just a dream, and dreams very rarely mean what they present. Phew. I’ve done my good deed of the week for myself, and yes I did a selfish good deed for myself. Why? Because I deserve it.

What do I do?

Im so tired of lies. Lie about this and lie about that. I don’t know what to believe anymore. I am sick from anxiety literally sick. Ugh I just feel like crawling into a damn hole and dying. Is it to much to ask for honesty?

The Diary of a silenced girl

YOU HAVE BEEN FOREWARNED THAT THIS POST CONTAINS FOUL LANGUAGE.

I just want all this drama to end. I know I am partially responsible for it, but I feel justified in what I was doing. I realize now my mistake, in talking and saying how I felt about it. I was just so damned hurt that someone I thought was friend or even family would say such hurtful and mean things about someone who means so much to me. I had to stand up and defend those whom I cared about. I didn’t think that would cause so much animosity. Though most of it was already in place before I even arrived on the scene, I know I added to it.

I don’t even think the most hurtful part of it has anything to do with what was said. It’s the fact that I stood up for said person and they just didn’t seem to give a shit. They sympathized and protected the person who said the hurtful things. I know they don’t trust me on what was said, they even came and asked for proof. I knew at that point that it was over.. There was no point in even arguing or trying to defend my point. I know now that when it comes to family matters I will not be priority in some situations. That kills me to know that, especially since I have always defended said person over my family at any given point. I guess all that is left to do is accept the fact and move on. You can’t fucking reason with someone when they enjoy the fucking drama, when you go to there fucking spouse they are automatically going to side with their fucking person. I am so fucking sick and tired of this shit. There is only so much more that I AM GOING TO HANDLE before I completely am done with everything. I DO NOT deserve this shit nor did I ask for it. All I wanted was for him to know that I stood up for him, and that over everything and everyone else in this fucking world, including his fucking family, that I was on his side. However now I know that it doesn’t matter. I’ll never be trusted, and you know what, I know it ain’t my fault because the fucking not trusting of me started the day I fucking met him. Amen. Love ya’ll. END OF RANT.

Where to draw the line?

Most people know me as a nerd girl. My dream is to one day be a game developer, or perhaps a movie animator, but my day job is something entirely different. I work as a subcontractor for a utility mapping company of the sorts. While we can’t call ourselves official surveyors we basically do everything they do. So I work construction. I go out there and dig holes, push the cart, and get dirty. I love the work. You know where you stand with your co workers. You have to develop a certain amount of trust and respect for each other, otherwise you’d be tripping over each other trying to prove the other correct. Lately I’ve run into issues like that in my personal life.

I feel as though I am always trying to fight to justify myself and where I stand. This far into a relationship, while still in the beginning stages, you should have a certain level and amount of trust for someone. I have done my best to be a trustworthy person, and I have admitted to my mistakes. I feel as though I have earned my trust and respect in my relationship. So how come I feel as if it is not there. I shouldn’t have to work and fight blood, tooth and nail for an ounce of it. I have worked through lies and deceit in the relationship, and have pushed past them to trust and respect.. When do I get reciprocation on the relieving end. I’m tired of being the 100%er 100% of the time.

The Allen wars

Relationships and engagements are the most wonderous things in this world. However sometimes they can be more hell and fighting then a damn battalion. I think we all just want to feel justified and right. As humans, our minds automatically seem to assume we are the right ones. It causes us to fight with each other in our self righteousness. That causes huge issues in relationships. Take mine for example. Not only does my boyfriend think he is right, he knows he is right.. and it causes a constant fight with us. It boils down to his pride. He will literally become insulted if I don’t instantly accept what he says as fact, even though I may have been taught a completely different way or have a different ideology altogether. I don’t mean nor want him to take all of my opinions as fact. I don’t want to date a male verison of me, I wouldn’t like a perfect “ideal ” relationship. While that may sound contradictive to what I previously said, let me explain what I do want. I want him to know I totally and completely respect and accept his OPINIONS as valid. And a lot of them I do accept as fact. However I want him to understand that I am entitled to my opinions and facts. Afterall, that’s what makes us humans right?